Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
