You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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