No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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