dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
