wrigley field is MILF paradise
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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