i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
