I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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