dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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