this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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