who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
