the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
