I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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