Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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