Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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