Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
