Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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