Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
