Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
