If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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