You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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