I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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