Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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