my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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