It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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