I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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