There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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