I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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