Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
