Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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