i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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