Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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