My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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