Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
