I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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