there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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