She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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