K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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