I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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