just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
