Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
vagina is talking i cant
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
