It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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