Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I FOUND THE LEGS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
