sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
