If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
