I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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