U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
