My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
