I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
