Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
thus making me awesome and them whores
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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