dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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